Wizard Becomes Love
by emeralddusk
Summary: The Russo family has a night of unprincipled destiny.


Wizard Becomes Love

Jerry was sitting on the couch in the living room, then looked around to see if anyone was watching. Seeing no one, the man threw up, then resumed reading his newspaper.

"Dad!" Justin yelled, storming into the room, his clothes torn up. "Dad! I found the Sorcerer's Stone!"

"You interrupted me for this?" Jerry demanded. "I could be doing something _way_ more important right now!" The man, clad in a banana suit dances in front of millions of exploding strobe lights. "I'm a banana. I'm a banana. I'm a banana!"

"Shut up!" Theresa screamed, slapping her husband in the face. "I'm told we're expecting a very important guest tonight."

"Hey," Alex called, walking into the living room naked, covered only by a towel she was holding in front of her. "Does anyone know who stole my pants?"

"Sorry," Justin replied. "I wanted to look my best for our special guest."

"Since when is a pair of skinny jeans with 'sellin' it' rhinestoned on the ass considered fancy?" Alex replied. "Look, does anyone know who the guest is?"

"No clue," Jerry answered. "Maybe it's that guy from Fighter...That guy from Tourist...That guy from Braveheart!"

"So far it's Scarlet Johenson," Justin responded. "Hey, have you met my lady of the night?"

"No," Theresa groaned, throwing a hanfull of trail mix into her mouth.

"She's a dark angel," Justin answered.

Jerry spit out a mouthful of pancake/vomit onto Theresa. "If this is your excuse for a Cosby Sweater, it's short of expectations," the woman said.

"Justin, do you realize how serious this is?" Jerry hollered. "Dark angels are, like...the worst beings in existence! Even worse than...uh...that guy from Entourage."

"What?" Alex casually replied, holding the towel over her chest.

"Justin..." Jerry snarled, so grave he could throw up. "You can't do this to yourself...To us. How dare you?" Jerry then smashed a lamp on Justin's head.

"Okay," Justin replied. "Ugh, so, uh...what's up?"

The girl appears in the room, and flares out her large, black wings.

"Oh, no," Jerry exclaimed, shocked.

"Hey, Justin," the dark angel greeted her boyfrined. The girl then kissed Justin on his lips.

"Gross," Alex exclaimed.

"Justin..." the dark angel began, her voice trembling. "I want to be a mortal...You have to help me."

"Okay," Justin replied, waving his wand in front of his girlfriend. Suddenly, the dark angel became human.

"Awesome," the dark angel exclaimed. "Whoa...that is the hottest naked girl I've ever seen."

Alex put on a large smile, feeling a slight chuckle form in her throat.

"...Now what?" Theresa asked. "Oh yeah, our very special guest..."

The group sat in an anxious silence. Time passed by slowly, so slowly. Suddenly, the phone rang. Jerry quickly answered it, wearing a dramatic expression. "Hello?" said the man.

"AAhhh! You ***! I'll give you a bat to the side of the head!" screamed the man on the other end of the phone. "You're like a bitch in heat! I deserve to be *** above that gorgeous rose garden! Aaaaah!"

"When's that very special guest gittin' here?" Justin demanded. "No, I know what it is...he can't face us, and he's scared of it." The teenager then sat down hard on the couch.

"I am so tired," Jerry said, his eyes feeling like thousand pound weights.

A loud knocking thundered on the door. Justin stood up, screaming like a school girl, and shaking his hands up and down in front of his chest. "Oh, he's here! He's here!" he shrieked. "Everyone, look your best!"

Theresa put her hands on her hips, smiling. Alex flushed her hair in the back with the hand not holding the towel, wearing an expecting smile. Jerry brushed his hair back, then tore off his shirt, revealing his "World Champion Jerry" belt and black boxing shorts. Justin straightened out the wrinkles in his fancy coat, fixed his hair, then opened the door, trying to hold in his anticipation.

"I'm Tom Cruise, you p***y!" the man declared, thrusting his fist into Justin's face, knocking him onto the floor.

"I just got gang-slapped by Tom Cruise!" Justin excitedly yelled, lifted his head up, revealing his black eye.

Tom angrily slapped a glass vase off of the counter, then walked over to the family. "It's a pleasure to meet you all," the man humbly greeted. "This is a lovely house you have here." Tom tried not to stare at the naked teenager.

"It's very nice having you," Jerry replied. "Just please don't jump on our couch." The man laughed at his joke.

Tom kept a straight, almost irritated look on his face. Jerry stopped laughing. Tom suddenly pointed at the man, and started laughing so hard it was difficult for the others to hear, and sounded out-of-breath. The Russo's laughed along with the man.

"I love this family," Theresa declared. "Mr. Cruise, I loved you in The Last Samurai."

"Thanks," Tom humbly replied. "Killed a man."

"Wow," Alex replied. "I'm feeling a lot of respect."

"Thank you," Tom replied, sipping some steamed cranberry juice. "Lovely towel." Alex giggled.

"Hey," Jerry said. "Would you like some fried ham?"

Tom's face froze, drained of all emotion, but filled with shock. The man began to shake with rage. "Did you say...ham?" Tom asked, his voice grave.

"...Yes," Theresa answered, scared but unsuspecting.

"...I love ham," Tom said, his voice still low, but growing friendly. The man laughed loudly, quickly clapping his hands together.

The Russos joined in, deeply relieved. Tom's mouth stretched open wide, his eyes closed as he laughed so passionately. The man then jumped onto the couch, his shiny black shoes leaving imprints in the pillows.

Jerry and Theresa leaned back, shocked an extremely excited. Tom began jumping up and down. "I love ham!" the man yelled, excited beyond the realm of consciousness. "I love ham! Ha ha ha! Love ham! I love it!"

The family began cheering. Above them, gentle streams of shining white snow fell from the skies, chilling the city of New York.

"You guys," Alex said, her voice nervous. "I can't do this."

"Alex, we have to," Theresa responded. "We've come so far."

"I'm scared," Alex replied.

"We're all in this together," Jerry said, his voice strong as he pointed to his daughter. The man was clad in a black leotard and black pants.

"Let's do this," Justin gravely said, clad in the army suit Cher wore in Burlesque. With that, the teenager led his family out onto the stage.

"Beautiful..." the family sang. "Russos!" Fireworks shot off into the air, illuminating the stage and the entire auditorium. The audience roared with applause.

The Russo family then took a bow, holding one another's hands.


End file.
